It's 8:44am, I'm sitting in the medical lab to get my diabetes blood test done for our little boy who will be here in 13 weeks inshallah. I'm exactly 27 weeks pregnant today. Life has been full. Avina is 5 months short of 3 years old. She's wonderful, vibrant, energetic and do loving. She's so kind and so understanding for her age. I worry that I am enjoying the moments to the fullest, I wish I could stare at her every move every second of every day. Maybe that will make me miss these days less in the future? I don't know. She comes up to my stomach and kisses it and hugs if and says "aw baby brother." When she was a bit younger she bumped into my stomach and said "sorry baby, what's your name?" It made me and Maysam burst into laughter. Life is okay otherwise, it's busy and chaotic sometimes. It's hard to believe that in a matter of few months we'll family of 4. A girl and a boy. Didn't picture it this way, but it's amazing now that I can't picture any other way. We are contemplating names, first we thought Avash, then Aidin and now we are thinking of Aria. We'll see, we might change our minds again. Where am I in life and how am I doing? I'm turning 30 years old in couple months, stopped working as a dental assistant, doing my last month of school for social work and waiting for baby number 2. Life is in transition, it's a good place to be in. I'm learning to enjoy life in transition, and enjoying the journey. I fell as I'm getting older I am learning to become less of a worry wart, if doesn't come natural to me. I keep reminding myself that all those times I have worried it has me never served me, so why continue? It would make me really happy if the last few months of my 20's I learn to express how I feel about my family and be expressive in my emotions of kindness and love in warm manner. Why is it so hard for me to do? Why does it feel like I am getting my tongue twisted? It's not that I don't care of love them deeply, but saying it makes me want to melt, I feel shy and embarrassed. It's that bizzare? It's something I need to grow out of. If I get over that hump I can only imagine the joy and laughter and love that would flourish in our home. Anyway I'm tired of sitting in the lab, I have to wait another 30 mins to get my blood drawn to get my blood tested then I'm done with all the tests hopefully for this pregnancy. Talk to you soon, and my kids, if you read this blog someday, know that I love you both with every fiber of my being and I'd anything for any of you. Maryam

The incident has really made me spend a lot of time contemplating, examining and re-examining things: I wish race was just that, a card, that I could have the autonomy to show when I wanted to and when I didn't. People who speak from that perspective, evidently speak from a privilege stand point where they haven't ever been discriminated based on their race, religious viewpoint, nationality, or name.  That's not to say I don't embrace my background, in fact I draw a lot of strength and wisdom. I only make that point to reinforce how difficult it is to change a stranger's judgement and viewpoint when they make false  assumptions on first glance. Racisim is well and thriving, if you don't agree, you are farther proving the privalge I pointed out earlier. Even if people speak from a privileged stand point where they have never been discriminated, I wish they'd empathize by contemplating on a time where they didn't want to be judged for something visible on first glance, whether it's something with their appearance, abled or disabled bodied, their mental or physical health, sexual orientation etc.  After turning the house and my husband's shop upside down, we were able to find the receipt of the protein shake. We now have proof that we aren't the scammers that some people commented we were. The receipt indicates that in fact my husband did buy the protein shake for $70, at Save On Foods, cash . Anyway still struggling to produce enough milk. When I pump before feedings, I can only express 2-3 oz, not nearly to what I use to be able to express. I am still taking a tablet of Ativan before sleep.  Still waiting for better days to come.

Nightmare

It's 5:34am and I just cannot sleep. I actually woke up from clenching my teeth so hard. What has happened at Save On Foods on Jan 03 2015 has caused so much unnecessary stress and turmoil for our family that it feels beyond this world. I spoke to Felora Farahani, my counsellor this morning and she insisted I see my doctor to see something could be prescribed to me so that it would decrease my anxiety and sleep. I called and went and saw Dr. Bal my doctor was not working today, and i explained everything as anyone can after repeating the story 100 times to 100 different people before. He perscribed Ativan to reduce my anxiety and allowe To go sleep. And I did before I nursed Avina before she went to sleep tonight. Honesdty I haven't seem much of an effect on making sleep, otherwise I would not be up and feel To have the urge to unload by writing this right now. I also asked the doctor if he could prescribe something to increase my milk, he said that there aren't any safe medications out there, so the best method is doing what I am doing by just pumping several times. Which today I did twice and each time I was able to express 1.5 Oz. As a mother, the worst part for me that from the very beginning this occurred and keeps escalating for me is that, I cannot take care of Avina's mentally and physically as a mother should. The distress of this has caused my milk supply to signifantly drop, and as a result her clam usual behavior has turned into a fussy child that has been crying way beyond usual terms when she's awake and moaning and turning a lot when she's at sleep!!! This pisess me off!! The doctor said he will send a referral to a professional counsellor, and she should hear back from them with a time and date. And he requested that I go back to get reassess in a week to see how I feeling and see the milk supply has increased. Also Felora Farahani called me around 10:30ishpm again. She called to see if I had gone to the doctor and if I was feeling better. I am so grateful for her support. Despite being a milk donor myself to Michaeal Matueus, I now not only have not enough nomilk to pump For donation but not enough milk to bump to feed my child!! This angers me beyond belief!!! And on the back of my mind, I keep wondering the little milk I am producing, how quality must have changed due to all my stresses I have been experiencing and now taking Atvian. Sigh. As far as takin care of her mental needs, this expeienxe has consumed and effected every bit of my life and mind and everything I do with Avina has been on auto-pilot mode. Not what maternity leave is meant to be!!! I am so grateful for Maysam and Bahar specially, as they are my backbone. Bahar came and stayed with me yesterday at 12pm yesterday, cutting her work early. And today Maysam stayed with me for half a day then went to work then bahar again came and took me to the doctor and stayed with me the remaining time. The silver lining of this has been that Maysam turned his shop upside down and found the recipet of the protein shake!!!! Oh the relief that we now have proof that he purchased this from Savs On Foods makes me feel that I can now prove that the shake was bought at Save on Foods and that we werent scamming anyone!!! It's not 6:25 am and still have an anxious pit in my stomach, why God!!! Why is this happening to me.

See you real soon baby Avina!!:):*

Hello my dearest Avina Banu! It's June 27 2014. I am exactly 41 weeks pregnant with you. It's 9:20pm. Today your daddy and I went to the hospital to get things checked out because here at Royal Columbian Hospital they usually induce babies at 41 weeks but we wanted to give you a few more extra days to see if you would come to the world yourself!:) The non stress test showed you were doing great and the ultrasound also showed you have plenty of water to swim in! So we are sitting on the bed right now, kinda just waiting. I do have some cramping and backpain so we are hoping I'll go into labour before Monday, Canada day to have you induced. Daddy Maysam is making you an email address so we can send pictures of you and we'll give you the password one day so you check it out yourself and see your journey on days you may not remember:) So my dear I just wanted to say... It's been the best experience in my life being pregnant with you for 10 plus months. I have tried to do my best physically and mentally so you would have a little stress. But I am not perfect, so I am sorry if for any reason me sitting through classes after a long day at work made you tired, and I am sorry if sometimes my emotions got the best of me. But I want you know, your daddy and I love you so very much. We eargly wait for your arrival and can't wait to start our life with you. We can't wait to hold your tiny hands and kiss your beautiful face and cuddle with your tiny body and million other things. Not sure how old you are when you are reading this. But I hope you read this when you are old enough to be able to capture the exicted we feel right now! Hope to see you real soon baby Avina!! XOXO Mommy Maryam & Daddy Maysam

Salam azizam!

Hello my dearest baby! Its May 31 2014, and you are exactly 37 weeks and 1 day old in my belly. I am sorry I was unable to write a blog during the course my pregnancy with you, but I thought I could at least write one recap of all the major events thus far. We are expecting you to make your arrival sometime in the next 20 days. Your daddy and I are thrilled to see your beautiful face and start our journey of becoming 3. Your dad and I have been married for 9.5 living years. We love eachother do dearly and we hope that you will feel the love as well. During the course of the past 9 months we have been doing a lot. I found out I was pregnant with you on October 2014. It's important for me to let you know that we planned wanting you last year around August when we were in Mexico for a vacation. I worked in lougheed dental clinic till March until I developed Saitica and was told not to work. I was also going to school to finish my prerequistes from January till end of April. I worked full time and attended full time school. My inspiration to get through it all was you. I know one day you are going to ask me what I was doing while I was pregnant with you and I want to be able to say to you that I continued following my dream and worked real hard to be able to finish my courses so I could apply to uvic to get my social worker degree and be home with you when you are born. I had planned it that way and so I wasn't going to let anything get in the way. I am sure somewhere in your subconscious you will remember the lectures about sociology, religions and philosophy. Pregnancy with you has been a breeze. I didn't have any nausea, or anything and hardly felt anything till about 6 months of pregnancy. Right now it's toward the end of pregnancy and I'm lying in bed because of backpain I am experiencing. Couple days ago I wrote something on Facebook about being pregnant with you and I want to share with you. ---- Officially full term today!  I am so grateful and excited not only for the precious gift I will be soon be given but also for all  the new roles that are also going to be born- mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, uncle and so many wonderful aunties. We started this journey thinking of all the possible things we wanted to teach our daughter, but very quickly learnt that we are the ones already doing all the learning and growing! I have tried my very best to be in a state of 'now' during my entire pregnancy by encapsulating as many feelings of all that  a growing life inside you entitles.   Countless times I have been in a state of 'awe'  and utter contentment. From the first ultrasound that you see a gummie bear size  human being moving inside of you, you quickly grow a deeper and  profound belief of the omniscient Creator.  It has been the one and only time in my life that I have truly felt and been repeatedly reminded that worrying about anything in life is useless, you just need to submit. Undoubtedly, I have never been ever as confident in myself physically mentally or emotionally as I have been in the last 9 months. This period of time has been the only time in my life that I have looked in the mirror every morning and not saw physical flaws that I wanted to change but instead started whole heartily appreciating the complexity and prefect unified function of my purposeful body, and saw nothing but beauty. Truly one of the great  blessings for me has been able to connect with other people. From the countless times being approached by complete strangers giving me extensive advice in the baby aisle of a super market to connecting with friends and family on a deeper level, many of whom I haven't been able to connect for in years! How can I not be grateful for that? The best way I can describe how all this journey has felt  is like I  been riding the back seat of a car, let a greater invisible entity drive and all I have had to do was look at the window  and enjoy all the scenery and it's glory and simply enjoy the ride!  Don't know why I hard the urge to write and share all this at 5:30am , but there you have it my friends!  ---- I have been very active doing my pregnancy with you, almost every night your dad and I go out and eat dinner and walk. Your dad and I want you to know that we love you very much already. We will do our best to be the best parents we could be for you. You will be giving our life a different and profound meaning and for that we are grateful and thrilled. Your dad is at work and will be coming home soon. I made this blog for your now do that I can journal some of the events of your life through words and pictures. Cannot wait to see your pretty face our darling! Mommy Maryam

I am Pregnant!

This is the first post I wrote the min I found out I was pregnant with you Avina on Wednesday October 09 2013 ---- Wow. At 1:58pm on this gorgeous sunny afternoon I found that I have life growing inside of me! I am pregnant!!! I just came home, and I got a pregnancy test and within a minute 2 lines appeared. I'm still shaken, I called Maysam right away,and trying to hold back my tears I asked him when he would be home, and he said at 8pm, I said you need to come home now, he said why, you are getting me worried, I started crying and I told him I'm pregnant and the first thing he screamed "Akheejoon" then I sat on the edge of the bed and I said crying outlook I will always love you and I will always protect you. Sigh, I'm speechless. Wow a baby is growing inside me. It's amazing. My life is forever changed. Thank you God.May you always be our protector! ----