The incident has really made me spend a lot of time contemplating, examining and re-examining things: I wish race was just that, a card, that I could have the autonomy to show when I wanted to and when I didn't. People who speak from that perspective, evidently speak from a privilege stand point where they haven't ever been discriminated based on their race, religious viewpoint, nationality, or name.  That's not to say I don't embrace my background, in fact I draw a lot of strength and wisdom. I only make that point to reinforce how difficult it is to change a stranger's judgement and viewpoint when they make false  assumptions on first glance. Racisim is well and thriving, if you don't agree, you are farther proving the privalge I pointed out earlier. Even if people speak from a privileged stand point where they have never been discriminated, I wish they'd empathize by contemplating on a time where they didn't want to be judged for something visible on first glance, whether it's something with their appearance, abled or disabled bodied, their mental or physical health, sexual orientation etc.  After turning the house and my husband's shop upside down, we were able to find the receipt of the protein shake. We now have proof that we aren't the scammers that some people commented we were. The receipt indicates that in fact my husband did buy the protein shake for $70, at Save On Foods, cash . Anyway still struggling to produce enough milk. When I pump before feedings, I can only express 2-3 oz, not nearly to what I use to be able to express. I am still taking a tablet of Ativan before sleep.  Still waiting for better days to come.

Nightmare

It's 5:34am and I just cannot sleep. I actually woke up from clenching my teeth so hard. What has happened at Save On Foods on Jan 03 2015 has caused so much unnecessary stress and turmoil for our family that it feels beyond this world. I spoke to Felora Farahani, my counsellor this morning and she insisted I see my doctor to see something could be prescribed to me so that it would decrease my anxiety and sleep. I called and went and saw Dr. Bal my doctor was not working today, and i explained everything as anyone can after repeating the story 100 times to 100 different people before. He perscribed Ativan to reduce my anxiety and allowe To go sleep. And I did before I nursed Avina before she went to sleep tonight. Honesdty I haven't seem much of an effect on making sleep, otherwise I would not be up and feel To have the urge to unload by writing this right now. I also asked the doctor if he could prescribe something to increase my milk, he said that there aren't any safe medications out there, so the best method is doing what I am doing by just pumping several times. Which today I did twice and each time I was able to express 1.5 Oz. As a mother, the worst part for me that from the very beginning this occurred and keeps escalating for me is that, I cannot take care of Avina's mentally and physically as a mother should. The distress of this has caused my milk supply to signifantly drop, and as a result her clam usual behavior has turned into a fussy child that has been crying way beyond usual terms when she's awake and moaning and turning a lot when she's at sleep!!! This pisess me off!! The doctor said he will send a referral to a professional counsellor, and she should hear back from them with a time and date. And he requested that I go back to get reassess in a week to see how I feeling and see the milk supply has increased. Also Felora Farahani called me around 10:30ishpm again. She called to see if I had gone to the doctor and if I was feeling better. I am so grateful for her support. Despite being a milk donor myself to Michaeal Matueus, I now not only have not enough nomilk to pump For donation but not enough milk to bump to feed my child!! This angers me beyond belief!!! And on the back of my mind, I keep wondering the little milk I am producing, how quality must have changed due to all my stresses I have been experiencing and now taking Atvian. Sigh. As far as takin care of her mental needs, this expeienxe has consumed and effected every bit of my life and mind and everything I do with Avina has been on auto-pilot mode. Not what maternity leave is meant to be!!! I am so grateful for Maysam and Bahar specially, as they are my backbone. Bahar came and stayed with me yesterday at 12pm yesterday, cutting her work early. And today Maysam stayed with me for half a day then went to work then bahar again came and took me to the doctor and stayed with me the remaining time. The silver lining of this has been that Maysam turned his shop upside down and found the recipet of the protein shake!!!! Oh the relief that we now have proof that he purchased this from Savs On Foods makes me feel that I can now prove that the shake was bought at Save on Foods and that we werent scamming anyone!!! It's not 6:25 am and still have an anxious pit in my stomach, why God!!! Why is this happening to me.